sometimes i feel very. disconnected from the world and its realities. It’s like there’s this roiling turmoil inside of me that few would understand without judging.. and it takes all my strength to suppress it and not to just fuck the world… i am not an easy person to be/friends/hang with but i am thankful for all the people who understand little bits of me anyway.
sometimes i also think i am to others what fried food is to me, gratifying and wonderful at first, but really just makes you sick to your stomach after. i cannot conceive of a world in which someone like me might not inflict pain on others..
i sat in the car alone for an hour today, alone with my own thoughts. they were painful and dark and a bit of that darkness in me evaporated with my tears, but i wish so hard everyday that i were not me, that i could cease to exist this way.
sometimes i plug into my headphones and play ambient music really loudly and if i close my eyes i can just imagine for an instant that i might evaporate into infinitely small pieces that hover over the night sea and its secrets. but then the song ends and the moment passes, so i try to play it again but seldom can i recapture that feeling of peace.
i suppose that’s all i really want. others strive to be happy. i’m wary of happy because happiness never lasts. i just want to be at peace.